A Date So Bad It Could Have Been A Movie

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When I described this date to my friends, the immediate response was “you should have known.”  Apparently, there were warning signs that I should have picked up on and then this whole night could have been avoided.  I have broken down the warning signs and mistakes I made for your benefit, so that you may be able to avoid such a terrible experience yourself.  At least I did not suffer this horribly awkward experience in vain.

1. You can learn a lot about someone by the place they suggest

This guy suggested a dive bar.  I am not against dive bars, but I did not know this was really a dive bar, as opposed to a great place that pretends it is a dive bar (because there are a lot of those).  Dive bars are not ok for first dates.  He said that they had bocce ball, corn hole, and horse shoes.  That actually sounds like fun for a first date.  Maybe that is why I did not pick up on the first warning sign.

2. Look at ALL of their profile pictures

I did not recognize my date right away because his main profile picture was about 4 years old and 40 lbs lighter. Hand to God!  Also, I could tell that he was self-conscious about it because he did not take off his coat while we were inside.  If you need to lose some weight, who cares!  If you feel self-conscious about it, fake it ‘til you make it!  Granted, I did not look through all of his pictures closely.  I should have.  Then I would have had a clue.  However, it is just bad form to use old photos that look nothing like you.

3. Trust your gut

Truthfully, he sounded like a spaz on the phone.  We mostly texted to set up the date, but the day before, he called me to confirm the time.   He talked over me and didn’t let me finish what I had to say. He seemed really nervous.  I just kind of blew it off because some people are not phone people and our emails were great.  However, there is a difference between not being a phone person and being really insecure and/or a weirdo.

4. Be On Time.  

This is a big pet peeve of mine.  You cannot be late for a first date without texting to let the person you are meeting know that you are running late.  It is rude. It can start the whole date off on the wrong foot.  I got hit on at the bar by another guy (cute, wearing a purple polo) while I was waiting.  When my date finally showed up he seemed annoyed that I was talking to someone else.  I don’t know what your opinion is, but it is no fun waiting on someone for 15 minutes and you are allowed to strike up a conversation with someone else.

5. Do not assume sarcasm when texting

He said via text that this place had great karaoke and he was going to show off his skills.  I thought he was joking.  No way in hell am I going to make a complete asshat of myself singing karaoke on a first date.  He wasn’t joking.  I made up a lame excuse to get out of there about 45 minutes in and he said (perfectly seriously) that he was really disappointed that he didn’t get to show off his karaoke skills.  First of all, does karaoke require a skill?  I mean it is not like you can put it on your resume.  Karaoke is hobby, like running (although who in the hell runs for fun, but I digress).

The other little bit of this is he sang in the choir in college.  For those of you who don’t know, singing karaoke if you are a professional/amateur singer, in any capacity, is simply just not done.   All of your singing peers will think you are a goober (and probably everyone else too).

6. Have an Escape Plan

Now I know that I gave him a lame excuse to leave early.  Usually, I have something planned later on in the night or I make something up because you need to have an escape plan.  Honestly, I just forgot and by the time I realized I needed one, it was too late.  I knew it was lame and he knew it was lame, but I hoped that we could mutually agree to pretend that it was legitimate to save face.  It worked.  Until I got home and received the following crazy ass text messages.

Crazy ass text message

part 2

part 3

part 4

I was trying to be kind because he seemed a little fragile.  Then he pissed me off.  Oh, and by the way, EVERYONE has baggage.  EVERYONE has had a bad dating experience.  A LOT of people have had multiple, terrible, and humiliating dating experiences.

GET ME OUT OF HERE!

GET ME OUT OF HERE!

So I obviously need some help coming up with a better excuse to leave when I have forgotten to establish an escape plan.  Please share what you use, or what you have used before.

Mr. Tuesday Night

stay away

By the way, it is super convenient for all these aliases that I keep going out with guys on different days of the week. Anyhoo, Mr. Tuesday Night was alright.  I had him pick a place (mainly because most guys pay the first date and I didn’t want to pick something out of the price range) and he picked a bar I used to go to a lot in college, but have not frequented since.  He was all about it and I was just kind of like “of all the places” because there are a TON of awesome bars and restaurants in my town. And this was just not one of them.

So the date in and of itself was okay.  There was nothing spectacular going on.  Also, he asked me out on a date right after work, and I did not wear anything remotely cute to work.  I told him I had to change before we met and I gave him a time frame, then texted him when I was close.  Later on in the date he told me that he sat in his car for 15 minutes until I texted him I was there!  I don’t understand why he couldn’t just go ahead and get a drink at the bar.  I think it’s kind of weird that he just hung out in his car.  I mean the Apple store is right across the street!

The other thing that kind of bothered me is that Mr. Tuesday brought up sex in a rather abstract way.  It wasn’t a big deal, but it caught me off guard because I had never met him in real life until that afternoon.  But whatever, some people get nervous and say things just to have something to say.

So during the date Mr. Friday Night texts me that he wants to hang out and while Mr. T was in the little boys room I made plans (this is important later).

So he walks me to my car.  I go in for a hug.  He goes in for a kiss.  Awkward!  I play it off and go on my merry way to see Mr. Friday Night.

I decided within the next two days that Mr. Tuesday is not that bad.  The conversation was good and he is pretty cute.  I texted him a couple of days later to tell him that I had a nice time.   He said that he was surprised to hear from me.  I was like “ok, I didn’t think it was that bad” and I asked him what he meant.  Apparently, the walk back to my car was awkward (I guess I was quiet because I knew I was on my way to see Mr. Friday). And that ladies and gentlemen is where it got weird.  Below are the snapshots from my phone.

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I know at this point you are thinking to yourself “What the hell?  Why is she still talking to him?”  And all I can say is that I was just trying to end the conversation without being direct.  Sometimes being Southern, and holding social graces highly, doesn’t work in the real world.  I promise you lesson learned.

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Needless to say this marks the end of my contact with him. Period.

girl and dolphin 2

This is kind of how I felt during the exchange

Bonus:

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Dates! With men with Jobs!

She pulled off this look.

Photo: How I feel on the inside

The dates that I have had so far have actually been really great.  I made plans to meet up with this guy on Thursday night.  We will call him Mr. Thursday night.

Mr. Thursday Night

We met at a fancy restaurant and sat at the bar.  We had some good conversation and I thought that it went really well, but he didn’t kiss me at the end of the night.  He did mention that he has a set of dating rules and one of them was not kissing on the first date.  I thought he just told me that to put me at ease.  He wasn’t.  Also, he said a few things that put me off.   We were talking about working out after the New Year and I said that I should probably work out more, just to get toned or whatever.  He was like “well, I like feminine women so you don’t need to work out.”  It just hit me the wrong way.  I mean I feel like everyone should try to exercise, at least a little.  I mean upper body strength can come in handy!

The other weird thing that he said was that he likes it when girls paint their nails and he noticed mine in one of my pictures.  I was thinking to myself, I do that for myself. It’s the same reason why I put on makeup.  It’s not for boys.  I think he was also put off that I don’t want to have kids soon.  He said that he almost passed over my profile because I chose I want kids “someday” and not “definitely” in one of the drop down menus.  My first thought was like; well it takes two people to make a baby, so I am lacking a critical ingredient over here.  Also, I haven’t reached a point in my career where I would plan to have kids. I think that I’m not really the lady for him.  It almost seems that this is a red flag that he wants a Stepford wife. However, it did still end up being a good date.  He was easy to talk to and did his part to keep the conversation going.  Looking back, we just didn’t have a lot in common.  But I was really feeling the date while I was on it.

Mr. Friday Night

Then there was Mr. Friday Night. We met at a cool, new restaurant/bar (which means he received bonus points).  We only had an hour to meet (because you should have an established escape plan just in case the date goes south), but it went by so quickly! He is really smart and funny.  Also he is super cute.

With what little game I have, I wrangled a second date.  He said I lost major points for not being able to sit through The Life Aquatic.  So I was like, “well I guess we will have to go out again so I can earn all these points back.”  He was impressed, as should you be because that is about all the game that I have. Right there.  In that one sentence.

We ended up having a second date.  He called me that Sunday and asked if I wanted to go to the beach with him. I broke two of my rules by saying yes.  He picked me up so he now knows where I live, and I got into his car.  Before you freak out on me, I did leave my friend a voicemail.  It went something like this “I am going to the So and So beach with Mr. Friday night.  He also knows insert mutual friend. That is your lead to the police if you do not hear from me again today. Also I will text you what kind of car he drives if I can do it without him noticing.”

It ended up being a great date.  We walked on the beach for a while and he showed me a couple of his favorite views. It was just a lot of fun.  We have a lot in common like the same views and morals; and we laughed the whole time.  Basically it was awesome! I bet you are wondering if I see Mr. Friday Night again.  Me too!

Online dating. There are many opinions about it and there are just as many different reasons why people decide to try it.

I made the decision to try it for the New Year because a friend made a comment to me that I don’t seem “open” when I meet guys.  We were having a good, long talk and she said that when she was back on the dating scene it was a problem for her too.  I thought maybe online dating would give me some practice.

It is really hard to find single men that have jobs here.  It is rather embarrassing to hit on a guy who has a fiancé and it sucks when the only guy who has made any moves in the last 6 months is only trying to get in your pants.

Gay Bar realization

The first thing I did is some research on the available options (I love research!). I have provided the links for the sites that I found most helpful, just in case you are thinking of taking the flying leap with me.

I wanted the right fit.  I am not trying to find my future husband or anything; I just want to meet eligible men (that have jobs).   There are a lot of sites out there.  They each have something different to offer.  I have provided a link to a pretty good break down of the most popular ones that I used to make my decision.  I chose a paid site to hopefully cut down on the loony tunes.  I also wanted a site that seemed geared towards dating, not getting married.

After choosing a site, the next step is constructing your profile.  That took a lot of time, but it is worth it.  This is where you give men an idea of who you are and what you are looking for.  For example, I do not want to date a guy with kids or who smokes.  The other important part of the profile is the pictures. I called up my one, straight, guy friend to help choose the pictures for my profile based on advice from one of the blogs listed below.  You also need to make sure that you are using current photos.  If you have a little bit of weight you want to lose or you wish you were more toned, it doesn’t matter.   Use a current photo.  A lot of people lie online, but you don’t want to be one of them on a dating site.

The 10 Best Things GIRLS Have Ever Said

After that the only other piece of advice that I can give you is to create a new email just for your online dating. You will be emailed at least three times a day with either your daily matches, a personal email from a guy whose screen name is Whisper420, or updates on who has viewed your profile.

Helpful Sites:

Consumer Rankings of Dating Sites

Oprah’s Online Dating Tips

Advice on Creating a Good Profile

Creating a Good Profile From a Guy’s Perspective

I will update this blog if anything noteworthy or funny happens!

Leslie Knope Online Dates